Ep. 133 Helping Your Teen Navigate the Comparison Trap

[00:00:01] We've all done it. We've looked at a picture of someone else and felt a little less satisfied with who we are. You might have been having this perfectly wonderful day. You felt good about life, about the way things were going. Your family was all healthy. Maybe even you were having a good body image day.

[00:00:21] And then you opened Instagram. And you saw someone with the most beautiful home and the most seemingly perfect family photos, an amazing vacation they were on, or a body that looked nothing like yours. And just like that, something shifted. Nothing about your life had actually changed, but suddenly what you had didn't quite seem as good as it did five minutes earlier.

[00:00:47] Y'all, this is what comparison does. It steals our joy. It steals our confidence. And it can make us overlook all of the goodness that is right in front of us. And it does this to grown adult women. Now, imagine being a 13, 14, 15 year old when your body is changing, when you're trying to figure out who you are and how you fit in.

[00:01:11] And that's also incredibly important. And you're carrying around a device that gives you endless opportunities to compare yourself to everyone else. Today, we're going to continue our conversation about raising teens who know how to care for their bodies. And we're going to talk about how we can help our kids navigate comparison, especially around things like social media, but how we navigate body comparison and that constant pressure to look or be like someone else.

[00:01:40] But I also would be remiss if I didn't point out that this is a challenge for us as moms too, to look at our own comparison habits and see where we need to grow. Because our kids aren't just learning from what we tell them. They're learning from what we do ourselves. Welcome to the Nourished to Bloom podcast, where your faith meets your health. I'm your host, Kara Trochta, a registered dietitian and certified Catholic coach.

[00:02:06] And I'm here to help you cultivate a deeper connection with your body, your spirit, and the nourishment that sustains them both. In a world filled with noise and confusion about food, health, and body image, this podcast offers truth and healing from a Christ-centered perspective. Together, we'll untangle the deep roots of diet culture and discover what it means to truly care for ourselves through joyful nourishment of mind, body, and soul.

[00:02:33] We're here to dive into the transformative power of intuitive eating, coupled with the rich teachings of our Christian faith. With every episode, I'll be cheering you on, offering insights, inspiration, and practical tools to help you heal your relationship with food and embrace the beauty of your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit with confidence and courage that can only be found in Christ. Join me as we journey together towards a more holistic approach to wellness,

[00:03:01] one that honors the wisdom of your body as God's creation, the teachings of our faith, and the unique purpose you're called to fulfill. You were made to bloom, to come into full beauty and health in order to bear good fruit for the Lord with your life. So if you're ready to nourish your body, feed your soul, and bloom into the best version of yourself, then you're in the right place, and I'm so happy you're here.

[00:03:26] Welcome to Nourish to Bloom, where every day is a sacred invitation to thrive. Hey there, welcome back to the Nourish to Bloom podcast. I am so happy to be here with you this week. I know it's been a minute since I have released an episode, and I want to apologize for that, but at the same time, I have been focused on some things that are going on within our own family

[00:03:55] and just really feeling like that has been where my attention has really needed to be focused. But I wanted to come here and finish up our series, our three-part series about helping our teens develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. So since it's been a minute, maybe you don't quite remember, but in the first episode, we talked about shifting that conversation around food from one that is controlling in nature and controlling our bodies

[00:04:24] to one that's really focused on that caring and that stewardship for our bodies. And in our last episode, we talked about what to do when your teen says something like, ugh, I hate my body. We talked about how we get curious before we correct them, that we help them make space for those uncomfortable feelings, and teach our kids that they don't have to love how their bodies look every single day in order to treat them with kindness. And so today, I want to continue to build on this conversation

[00:04:52] because I think one of the biggest influences on how our kids see themselves is comparison. And while comparison certainly isn't new, the opportunities to compare ourselves have changed dramatically. Maybe you're like me, and when I was growing up, we compared ourselves to kids at school, maybe girls on the cover of the magazine. What was it? 17, right? That's what we were all reading. Or maybe celebrities we saw on television.

[00:05:19] It wasn't great then, but today our kids have access to seemingly endless streams of people to compare themselves to. And it's not just celebrities anymore. It's their friends, their classmates, other athletes, influencers, and thousands upon thousands of people they've never even met. And they're all seeing it in the palm of their hands. So one thing I want to share when we're preparing,

[00:05:46] one thing I want to share from when I was preparing to speak to that group of 8th graders recently was this, that what you see on social media is not the whole story. It is a highlight reel. And even when the images have been edited or filtered, we're still usually seeing a carefully selected moment. I just have to share what's so fascinating. I was on Instagram this weekend, and there was some random person. I don't even know who it was.

[00:06:14] But she shared a picture, and it said the caption was something like, me and the hubby circa 2005 homecoming, you know, seniors in high school. And it had this picture of them with their mom in their garter. And then she proceeded to do like a almost decomposition of that photo and removed the clothes that they were wearing to actually reveal what they were wearing at that time. Undid the fancy hairdo.

[00:06:43] Even like when as far as to say, well, this was what my real house looked like. So she had used AI to generate this photo of what she wanted people to imagine that moment looked like, but then showed how that it is so distorted. That what's being put out there is a distortion of reality. And I loved how she went back and showed like how that stripped down version of it.

[00:07:08] It was, I felt so fascinating and such a good thing for all of us to remember. Okay. And so as we're navigating social media, we have to think about what we're choosing to share. Right? Are we sharing the family picture where everyone is smiling? Not necessarily all the arguments that happened five minutes before it was taken.

[00:07:31] Oftentimes we share the vacation photos, not the delayed flight sitting in the airport or the siblings arguing in the backseat on that six hour road trip. We share the home run, not the three strikeouts that happened earlier in that baseball tournament. And there's nothing inherently wrong with sharing the good things. But the problem comes when we start comparing someone else's carefully selected good things moments to the entirety of our lives.

[00:08:00] And I think that our kids can have an especially hard time recognizing that difference. Really? Remember, that distorted reality is what they are seeing. Maybe your daughter is seeing a picture of a group of friends hanging out without her. Or she's seeing a girl with a certain body type that's getting hundreds of likes and comments. Or maybe you have a son who follows an athlete who looks incredibly strong and muscular. And suddenly he starts questioning whether his own body is good enough.

[00:08:25] He may not know what that person's training looks like or how old they are or what their genetics are and whether that image has been altered. All he's seeing is the results. And he starts measuring himself against it. So one of the most important things we can teach our kids is recognizing that seeing something online doesn't mean that we are seeing the whole truth. But I feel the need to take this a little further.

[00:08:53] Because simply telling our kids that social media isn't real probably isn't going to be enough. We have to help them recognize what happens inside of them when they are looking at these things. So we have to pay attention to what comparison is doing to us. And I think one of the most beautiful questions that you could ask and teach your kids is to ask, How do I feel after spending time looking at this? Not just, is this person a good influence on me?

[00:09:21] But what happens to my thoughts when I spend time consuming someone else's content? Do I feel discouraged? Do I feel inspired? Or motivated to try something new? Or do I walk away feeling like I'm not pretty enough, athletic enough, thin enough, muscular enough, popular enough, or successful enough? Because there's a big difference between being inspired by someone and constantly measuring yourself against them.

[00:09:48] Maybe your son follows a baseball player who shares drills, encouragement, and tips that help them improve his game. That's one thing. But if he's following an account that leaves him constantly feeling inadequate because he isn't as big or fast or strong as that person on the screen, that's something worth paying attention to. The same thing is true for our daughters. There's nothing wrong with enjoying fashion, makeup, or fitness content. But every time she closes an app and she's thinking about all the things she needs to change her body of self,

[00:10:18] that is a pretty good indication that something on social media isn't serving her well. And this is where I think we can give our kids a really practical tool. You get to choose what you allow to influence you. You get to choose what you allow to influence you. You can unfollow an account. You can mute someone. You can take a break. You can decide that just because someone is popular doesn't mean that they deserve your attention.

[00:10:48] And sometimes that's not about judging the person on the other side of the screen. They may be a completely wonderful person. Their content simply may not be good for you in this season of life. And that's okay. We have to remember that someone else's beauty doesn't take away from ours. So I want to go back to something that we talked about in the last episode. That when our kids are struggling with body image, we want to help them recognize that their appearance doesn't determine their worth.

[00:11:15] And I think comparison makes that especially difficult. Because comparison creates this idea that if someone else has something desirable, it somehow means there's less available for us. That if she's beautiful, maybe I'm not. Or if he's athletic, maybe I'm not strong enough. If she has lots of friends, maybe I'm not likable. And for us adults, we can maybe recognize that that's simply not true.

[00:11:43] Although I will challenge you to take a moment and do an inventory of how many times you fall into this same trap. But we have to remember that these things are simply not true. We can appreciate someone else's gifts without diminishing our own. And I think that this is a message that our kids desperately need to hear. I shared this example in the last episode, but I want to revisit it from a slightly different perspective. I want you to think about your closest friends.

[00:12:13] Why are you friends with them? Is it because they have the perfect body? Or because they wear a certain clothing size? Because they are the prettiest person in the room? Y'all, that's probably not why you are friends with your closest friends. You are friends with them because of who they are. Because they're kind. They're funny. They're good listeners. Or you have shared interests. Because you simply enjoy being around them.

[00:12:42] We don't choose the people that we love or spend time with based on how their bodies look. And yet, we can be so quick to believe that our own appearance is what determines whether we are lovable, valuable, or worthy of belonging. So here's something that we can ask our teens. Think about your best friend. What do you love most about them? And after they answer, simply ask, Do you think those are the same kinds of things people appreciate about you?

[00:13:11] Because sometimes we need help recognizing the goodness in ourselves that has absolutely nothing to do with our appearance. And as parents, we have an opportunity to call attention to those qualities. Not just, you look so pretty today. But hey, I noticed how you included that girl who was sitting there alone. Or I love how you kept encouraging your teammate even when the game wasn't going your way. Or gosh, you have such a gift for making people laugh. Or I appreciate how you stood up for what you believed was right.

[00:13:41] We have to help them recognize that our identity is so much bigger than what someone sees when they look at them. So we have to also start thinking about what happens when our teens start comparing themselves to other people. So I want to make this practical. What do you do when your teen comes to you and says, She's so much prettier than me. Or everyone else is bigger and stronger than I am. Or why can't I look like her? Our instinct might be to say,

[00:14:11] Stop comparing yourself. But if it were that easy, Y'all, none of us would struggle with comparison, would we? Instead, I think we can approach this much like we talked about approaching negative body comments in our last episode. Get curious. What's making you feel that way? Is there someone you've been comparing yourself to lately? What do you think would be different if you looked like that person? And that last question can be especially revealing.

[00:14:39] Because sometimes what our kids are really saying isn't, I want a different body. It's more about, I want to fit in. Or I want people to notice me. Or I want to feel confident or accepted. And those are very real desires. We all want to belong. But if our kids begin believing that belonging depends on changing their appearance, they're setting themselves up for a race that they can never really finish. Because there will always be someone else to compare themselves to.

[00:15:09] Someone who's taller, thinner, stronger, clearer skin, or who gets more attention. And that's why we have to help them understand that their worth cannot be determined by where they rank in comparison to someone else. Their dignity isn't something that they have to earn. It's already theirs. Now, here's why I want to turn the conversation toward us. Because while we're trying to help our kids navigate comparison, I think we have to be willing to look at how it shows up in our own lives.

[00:15:38] And not just body comparison. How often do we compare our homes, our parenting, our marriages, careers, kids' achievements? Maybe you see another family whose kids seem to excel at everything and you feel so jealous. Or there's another mom who appears to manage her home, her work, and her family with nothing but grace and ease. Or there's someone who seems to have figured out exactly what she's supposed to be cooking for dinner. No, just kidding.

[00:16:06] No, she's figured out exactly what she's supposed to be doing with her life. And suddenly, you start to question everything about your own. Am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? Why does everything seem easier for her? And here's what I find so interesting about comparison. That nothing about our circumstances has to change for comparison to steal our peace. We can be perfectly content with our lives one minute and dissatisfied the next

[00:16:34] simply because we've shifted our attention to what someone else has. And y'all, our kids see us do this. They hear us make comments about other people's bodies. They hear us compare our homes or our accomplishments to somebody else's. They hear us talk about what someone else has that we don't. And then they start learning that life is a constant competition just trying to measure up.

[00:17:00] So really, one of the most powerful ways that we can help our teens is to begin noticing when we are doing the exact same thing. And when we catch ourselves in that comparison trap, we can model a completely different response. Maybe instead of saying, I wish I looked like her, we can simply say, she looks beautiful and leave it at that. We don't have to follow it with a criticism of ourselves. We can appreciate someone else's gifts without diminishing our own.

[00:17:29] And maybe when we notice ourselves getting caught up in comparison, we can ask, what am I overlooking? What goodness in my life am I overlooking because I am so focused on someone else's? And that's a question that's really worth sitting with. Because God did not create us to be copies. There's a deeper piece of this conversation that I think we really need to touch on, especially as we think about raising our kids with a strong sense of identity.

[00:17:59] We can reflect back on Psalm 139, where we're reminded that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And I think sometimes we've heard that phrase so many times that we forget really how powerful it is. God didn't accidentally give you the wrong body. Or he didn't forget to give you the gifts that someone else has. He didn't create you and then look at someone else and decide, oh, I should have done things differently.

[00:18:26] No, he created you with intentionality. With your particular gifts, talents, personality, the strengths and even the limitations that you have. And the same thing is true for our kids. God didn't create them to be a copy of someone else. He created them to become who he made them to be. And how grateful can we be as a parent to help them on that journey?

[00:18:55] To discovering who God created them to be. And we have to stop letting comparison become such a distraction from that. Because when we're constantly looking at what someone else has, we're not paying attention to what we've been given. We're so busy in that moment wishing we had someone else's gifts that we neglect our own. We don't claim them. And I think this is one of the saddest things about comparison. Because not only does it steal our joy,

[00:19:25] but it keeps us from recognizing the ways God is inviting us to grow and use what he's entrusted to us. Now, that doesn't mean that we can't admire someone else. It doesn't mean that we can't learn from them. And it certainly doesn't mean that we can't work toward improving ourselves. But there's a difference between being inspired to grow and believing we have to become someone else in order to be enough. And that's the distinction that we need our kids to understand.

[00:19:56] So, we're going to loop it back around to the practical thing that we can do this week. Sometime during this week, maybe when you're driving in the car or sitting around the dinner table, just ask your kid, have you ever noticed how you feel when you compare yourself to someone else? And then listen. You might be surprised by what they share. You can follow up with questions related to social media about, you know, are there accounts that make you feel encouraged or inspired?

[00:20:24] Or are there people that you're comparing yourself to that make you feel like you're not good enough? How do you know when something that you're seeing is only part of this story? And maybe you share something from your own experience in struggling with a comparison trap. Not in a way that makes the conversation about you, but in a way that lets them know that they're not alone. Something like, you know, sometimes I notice that when I spend too much time

[00:20:52] comparing myself to other people, it doesn't make me feel very good. It makes me feel like I don't have anything good in my life. Just being honest. We don't have to pretend that we've mastered all of this, but we can learn alongside our kids. And maybe together we can talk about what kinds of influences you want to make room for in your lives. Not simply because a person or an account is good or bad,

[00:21:22] but because you want to be intentional about what you're allowing to shape the way that you see yourself. So let's go back to the beginning. Remember, comparison is a thief. It steals our joy. It steals our confidence. And sometimes it even steals our willingness to step up, step into the life that God is inviting us to live. We have to stop being so busy looking at someone else's life that we forget that we have our own to live.

[00:21:49] And I think this is what our teens need to understand also. You can admire someone without wanting to become them. You can celebrate someone else without diminishing your own gifts. You can appreciate someone's beauty without believing that there's something wrong with your body. And you can recognize that someone else's success doesn't take anything away from yours. The world does not need another copy of someone else. It needs you. It needs you.

[00:22:16] Your gifts, your personality, your strengths, your story. And as parents, our job isn't to completely eliminate comparison from our kids' lives. I don't even think that that would be a possibility. But we can help them recognize when it's happening. We can help them question the messages they're receiving. And we can remind them of who they are beyond their appearance or achievements. And of course, that's the reminder we need for ourselves too. Because sometimes we're so busy looking at what everyone else is doing,

[00:22:46] what we think we should be doing, or what we've always done, that we forget to stop and ask what God is actually inviting us to right now. And so this brings me to something personal I want to share with you today. I have made the decision to take a break from the Nourish to Bloom podcast. I thought that I would have a lot of stress or anxiety about it. But surprisingly, I have a lot of peace in being able to walk away for right now.

[00:23:16] It's not an easy thing to say. This podcast has been such a wonderful gift to me. For those of you who know this story, it was really the Lord telling me you should start a podcast and me saying, nope, don't think so. And look where we are, right? But when I started the Nourish to Bloom podcast, I had no idea what the journey would look like. I just knew that I felt called to create a space where we could have honest conversations about faith and wellness

[00:23:42] and what it looks like to become the women that God created us to be. Along the way, I've learned so much about myself. I hope that you have learned something about yourself too. I've been challenged by the very things that I've shared with you. I have grown in my own faith journey and understanding of what it means to care for our minds, our bodies, and our souls. And I have been incredibly grateful for the opportunity to connect with so many of you. So whether you've been listening from the very beginning

[00:24:11] or just recently found the podcast, I really want you to know how much that I appreciate you. Thank you for inviting me into your mornings, your walks, your drives to school, or wherever you've been listening. Thank you for sharing episodes with friends, for sending me messages, or for allowing me to be a small part of your journey. It has truly been a gift. But something I've talked about so often on this podcast is recognizing the season of life we're in

[00:24:40] and being willing to respond to what God is asking of us in that season. And right now, I feel like he's inviting me to create a little more space. Space to be more present with my family, especially in this particular season that we are finding ourselves in. Space to explore some new opportunities that he's been putting on my heart. And honestly, space to listen and discern what comes next. I can't put it into words,

[00:25:08] but there is a feeling that comes with this space when the Lord puts it in my path. It's this space for me honestly and truthfully knowing that he has something else on the horizon. I don't know what that looks like. It's scary, but it's also very exciting. And while I, you know, have loved creating this podcast, it does require time, energy, and attention.

[00:25:35] And I've realized that I can't continue giving everything the same amount of myself in every season. So sometimes saying yes to one thing means saying no. We've talked about that a lot. Or maybe just not right now to something else. And I think that's something that so many of us struggle with. We can become attached to what we've been doing, even when we sense that God may be inviting us to do something differently. We worry about losing momentum. We wonder what people will think.

[00:26:04] We question whether stepping away means that we're giving up. Truthfully, all things that I have had to ask myself in making this decision. But through that, I am learning that faithfulness doesn't always mean continuing to do what we've always done. Sometimes it means being willing to make room for something new or to let go of something that we've been doing for a while. And so for now, I'm going to take a break from releasing new episodes. I don't really know what this is going to look like for the long term.

[00:26:33] And I am giving myself permission not to have all the answers right now, but to surrender it all to God. I do know that I'm grateful for what this podcast has been, and I'm excited to see what God has in store. The beautiful thing is that these conversations don't have to end. There are so many episodes in the Nourish to Bloom library that I hope you'll continue to revisit and share. Because the truths that we've explored here about identity, stewardship, purpose, surrender,

[00:27:01] and caring for ourselves as whole persons are just as relevant today as when we talked about them the first time. And if there's one thing I hope that you take away from our time together, it's this. You don't have to be someone else to live a beautiful, meaningful life. Just be who God created you to be. He's already given you gifts, placed you in relationships, and entrusted you with opportunities to bring His goodness into the world. Our job is not to do everything.

[00:27:28] It's simply to be faithful to what He's asking of us. And sometimes that means having the courage to begin something new. Sometimes it means continuing when things are hard. And sometimes it means having the courage to step away. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Thank you for allowing me to share a little piece of my heart with you each week. And wherever this next season takes us, I pray we continue to recognize the goodness God has placed in our lives

[00:27:56] and have the courage to respond to His invitations. And lastly, I want you to remember, beauty held is the seed, beauty shared is the flower. It is your time to bloom. God bless and take care. Thank you so much.