"I hate my body."
"I look so fat in this."
"I wish I looked like her."
When our teen says something negative about their body, our first instinct is usually to jump in with reassurance: "No, you don't! You're beautiful!" It comes from love—but what if immediately trying to convince them they're wrong keeps us from hearing what's really going on?
In the second episode of this series on raising teens who know how to care for and trust their bodies, we're talking about how to respond when our kids struggle with body image.
Because body kindness doesn't mean loving everything about the way our bodies look every single day. It means learning that even on the days we don't love how our bodies look, they are still worthy of care.
In this episode, we'll talk about:
🌿 Why body changes during adolescence can feel so uncomfortable 🌿 Why "But you're beautiful!" may not be the reassurance our teen needs 🌿 How to get curious before we correct 🌿 Questions that can help uncover what's underneath a negative body comment 🌿 The difference between validating a feeling and agreeing with it 🌿 Why body kindness may be more realistic than expecting body love 🌿 Helping teens recognize what their bodies do, not just how they look 🌿 How the way we talk about our own bodies influences our kids
We'll also talk about a simple truth we often forget: we don't choose our friends because of what their bodies look like. We love WHO they are, not HOW they look. So how can we help our teens begin extending that same kindness to themselves?
You don't need the perfect response when your teen is struggling with their body. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can say is simply, "Tell me more."
Because our goal isn't to raise kids who never struggle with body image. It's to raise kids who know what to do when they do.
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00:00:00
I hate my body.
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I look so fat in this.
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My legs are huge.
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I wish I looked like her.
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If your teen said one of those things to you,
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what would you say?
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I think most of us would immediately want to jump
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in with reassurance.
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No, you don't!
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You look beautiful!
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with your body.
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And that response comes from such a good place.
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We love our kids.
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We see so much more in them than whatever flaw
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they're seeing in the mirror, and we desperately want them
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to see themselves the way we see them.
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But what if trying to convince them that they're wrong
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actually shuts down the conversation we need to be having?
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Today, we're talking about what to do when your teen
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doesn't like their body—and how we can help them develop
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body kindness without making their appearance the most important thing
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about them.
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Welcome back to Nourished to Bloom, where we talk about
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what it looks like to care for our minds, bodies,
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and souls so we can become who God created us
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to be.
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Last week, we started a new series about raising teens
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who know how to care for their bodies.
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We talked about healthy eating and this idea that our
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goal isn't to raise perfect eaters.
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It's to raise kids who know how to nourish and
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care for themselves.
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And I shared a phrase that I want to carry
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into today's conversation:
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Your body is not a problem that needs to be fixed.
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It's something that deserves to be cared for.
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That sounds really good when we say it.
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But what happens when our kids don't believe it?
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What happens when your daughter walks out of the dressing
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room and says, I hate how I look?
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Or your son starts comparing his body to boys who
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are taller or bigger or more muscular?
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What happens when the body that you love because it
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belongs to this incredible human being you love so deeply
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becomes something they don't like very much?
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That can be really hard for us as parents.
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And I think our instinct is usually to make the
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uncomfortable feeling go away.
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But today, I want to talk about why we might
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not need to make it go away quite so quickly.
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Before we talk about what to say, I think we
00:04:00
need to remember what adolescence actually looks like.
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Their bodies are changing.
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And they're not all changing at the same time or
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in the same way.
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One eighth grader may look like a little kid while
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another looks like they're 17.
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Girls may suddenly have curves where they didn't before.
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Boys may be looking around wondering why everyone else seems
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taller or more muscular than they are.
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Their clothes fit differently.
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Their faces change.
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Their skin changes.
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Their weight changes.
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Their bodies are doing exactly what growing bodies are supposed to do.
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But knowing that doesn't necessarily make experiencing those changes comfortable.
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Especially when those changes are happening at the same time
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that they're becoming incredibly aware of everyone else's bodies.
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And now we add social media.
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They're not just comparing themselves to the other kids in
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the locker room anymore.
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They're comparing themselves to hundreds or thousands of people every
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time they pick up their phone.
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So when your child says, I hate my body, we
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have to recognize that there's probably something underneath that statement.
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Imagine your daughter says, I look so fat in this.
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What's our instinct?
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No, you don't!
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Or: You're beautiful!
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Again, that response is coming from love.
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But let's think about what she may hear.
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If our response to I look fat is immediately No, you don't!
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You're beautiful, we may unintentionally reinforce the idea that fat
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and beautiful are opposites.
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Or that the reason she shouldn't feel bad is because
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she still meets some acceptable standard of appearance.
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And we also haven't learned anything about why she said it.
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Maybe someone made a comment at school.
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Maybe a friend lost weight.
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Maybe she's comparing herself to someone on TikTok.
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Maybe the jeans she loved three months ago don't fit
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anymore because her body is growing.
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Maybe she's feeling left out socially and her brain has
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decided, If I looked different, maybe people would like me
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more.
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The statement is about her body.
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But the struggle underneath it may have very little to
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do with her body.
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So instead of immediately correcting, I want us to practice
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something that's useful in so many areas of parenting:
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Get curious.
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Your teen says, I hate my stomach.
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Instead of, No!
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Your stomach is fine.
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Try: It sounds like you're having a hard time with
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your body today.
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What's making you feel that way?
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Or: Tell me more about that.
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Or simply: Did something happen that made you start thinking about this?
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And then—and this might be the hardest part—listen.
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Don't immediately give the nutrition lesson.
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Don't immediately give the body-image pep talk.
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Don't tell them about how beautiful they are.
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Don't explain why social media isn't real.
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You may get there.
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But first, let them talk.
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Because if we immediately try to talk them out of
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the feeling, they may learn: Mom doesn't understand.
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Or: I'm not supposed to feel this way.
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And then the next time the thought comes up, they
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may not tell us.
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I'd much rather my child bring that struggle to me
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than carry it alone.
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There's an important distinction here.
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Listening doesn't mean agreeing.
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If your child says, Everyone thinks I'm ugly, you don't
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have to say, Yeah, I understand why.
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Of course not.
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But you can say: That sounds really painful.
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What happened?
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We're validating the experience, not validating the conclusion.
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That's such an important distinction.
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Our kids need somewhere safe to bring uncomfortable thoughts.
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And sometimes body kindness begins with simply allowing them to
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have a bad body-image day without needing to fix it
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immediately.
00:10:02
Because don't we have those days too?
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There are days when we put something on and don't
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feel great in it.
00:10:15
There are days when our bodies feel uncomfortable.
00:10:20
There are seasons when our bodies change.
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Body kindness doesn't mean looking in the mirror every day
00:10:30
and thinking, I love everything I see!
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It means that how I feel about my appearance today
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doesn't determine how I treat my body.
00:10:45
That's a distinction I really want our kids to learn.
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I think sometimes we set the bar too high.
00:10:56
We tell girls: Love your body!
00:11:00
And that's a beautiful idea.
00:11:03
But what happens on the days when they don't?
00:11:09
Have they failed at body positivity too?
00:11:13
This is why I love the idea of body kindness.
00:11:19
You don't have to love the way your body looks
00:11:25
every single day to treat it with respect.
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You can be uncomfortable with your changing body and still feed it.
00:11:37
You can wish your legs looked different and still let
00:11:43
them carry you onto the soccer field.
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You can have acne and still go to the pool
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with your friends.
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You can have a bad body-image day and still participate
00:12:01
in your life.
00:12:03
That's body kindness.
00:12:05
I don't have to love everything about how my body
00:12:11
looks in order to care for it.
00:12:15
And I think that's a much more realistic message for our teens.
00:12:22
Honestly, it's a much more realistic message for us, too.
00:12:29
Another thing we can begin doing at home is widening
00:12:35
the conversation about bodies.
00:12:37
Because our bodies are so much more than decorations.
00:12:42
They allow us to experience our lives.
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Your legs allow you to run bases.
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Your arms let you hug your friend.
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Your brain lets you learn something new.
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Your lungs allow you to sing.
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Your hands allow you to paint or play an instrument.
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Your body lets you laugh and dance and swim and
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serve and create and experience this life you've been given.
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And notice: I don't need to say, See?
00:13:26
You shouldn't care what you look like.
00:13:30
Because they probably still will.
00:13:33
We're simply helping them recognize that appearance is one tiny
00:13:39
part of what a body is.
00:13:43
This is something I shared while preparing for that eighth-grade
00:13:49
panel, and I think it's such a simple exercise.
00:13:55
Think about your closest friends.
00:13:58
Why do you love them?
00:14:01
Is it because of the size of their jeans?
00:14:06
Because they have perfectly toned arms?
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Because their stomach is flat?
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Probably not.
00:14:14
You love them because they're funny.
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Because they're kind.
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Because they listen.
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Because you share interests.
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Because they show up when you need them.
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Because you can be yourself around them.
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You love WHO they are, not HOW they look.
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And yet we can be so quick to believe that
00:14:44
our own appearance determines what we have to offer the
00:14:50
world.
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I want our teens to learn that they can appreciate
00:14:58
someone else's beauty without allowing it to diminish their own.
00:15:04
Someone else being beautiful doesn't mean you're not.
00:15:08
Someone else being athletic doesn't mean you're not talented.
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Someone else having a body that looks different from yours
00:15:20
doesn't mean yours is wrong.
00:15:23
This part can be uncomfortable.
00:15:26
Because we can say all the right things to our kids.
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But they're also watching how we treat ourselves.
00:15:38
What happens when you walk past a mirror?
00:15:42
What do you say when you see a picture of yourself?
00:15:49
What do they hear when you're getting dressed?
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I look terrible.
00:15:56
I hate my stomach.
00:15:58
I need to lose ten pounds.
00:16:02
I can't wear that anymore.
00:16:05
Ugh, I look so old.
00:16:08
Our kids are listening.
00:16:10
And I don't say that so we can add perfect
00:16:16
body image to the list of things we're supposed to
00:16:22
get right as moms.
00:16:25
Please don't do that.
00:16:27
But it is an invitation to notice.
00:16:32
Because if my daughter hears me criticizing my body every
00:16:38
day and then I tell her she should love hers,
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which message is louder?
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Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids'
00:16:52
body image is begin practicing a little more kindness toward
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our own bodies.
00:17:00
Maybe we don't have to announce every negative thought.
00:17:05
Maybe instead of, I look awful in these jeans, we
00:17:12
can simply say, These don't fit me comfortably anymore.
00:17:17
I'm going to find something that does.
00:17:21
Think about the difference.
00:17:24
The jeans don't fit the body.
00:17:27
The body hasn't failed the jeans.
00:17:31
That's body kindness in ordinary life.
00:17:35
So if your teenager comes to you this week and
00:17:41
says something negative about their body, you don't need the
00:17:47
perfect response.
00:17:48
You don't have to convince them they're beautiful.
00:17:53
You don't have to solve their body image.
00:17:58
You don't have to deliver a TED Talk in the dressing room.
00:18:05
Start with curiosity.
00:18:07
Tell me more.
00:18:08
What happened?
00:18:10
How long have you been feeling this way?
00:18:15
Listen for what's underneath the comment.
00:18:18
And then remind them, over time and through the culture
00:18:24
you're creating in your home:
00:18:27
Your appearance doesn't determine your health.
00:18:31
It doesn't determine your worth.
00:18:34
And you don't have to love the way your body
00:18:40
looks every single day in order to care for it.
00:18:46
I keep coming back to this:
00:18:50
Your body isn't a problem that needs to be fixed.
00:18:56
It's something that deserves to be cared for.
00:19:01
And maybe that's the message our teenagers need from us.
00:19:07
Not: You're beautiful, so stop worrying about it.
00:19:12
But: I love you.
00:19:14
I'm here.
00:19:15
You can talk to me about this.
00:19:19
And however you're feeling about your body today, your body
00:19:25
is still worthy of care.
00:19:28
Because ultimately, we're not trying to raise kids who never
00:19:35
struggle with body image.
00:19:37
I'm not sure that's realistic in the world they're growing up in.
00:19:44
We're trying to raise kids who know what to do
00:19:50
when they do struggle.
00:19:53
Kids who can recognize comparison.
00:19:56
Kids who can question the messages they're receiving.
00:20:01
Kids who can have a hard body-image day without deciding
00:20:07
they need to punish, restrict, or change their bodies.
00:20:12
And kids who know their worth extends far beyond what
00:20:18
they see in the mirror.
00:20:21
Next week, we're going to talk about one of the
00:20:27
biggest influences shaping the way our teens see themselves: social
00:20:33
media and comparison.
00:20:35
Because comparison is a thief.
00:20:38
It steals our joy.
00:20:41
It steals our confidence.
00:20:43
And it can make us completely overlook what's good in
00:20:49
our own lives because we're so focused on somebody else's.
00:20:55
We'll talk about how to help our teens navigate that—and
00:21:01
why we may need to look at our own comparison
00:21:07
habits, too.
00:21:08
If you know a mom who's navigating body-image conversations with
00:21:15
her teen right now, share this episode with her.
00:21:20
And until next time, remember:
00:21:23
Beauty held is the seed, beauty shared is the flower.
00:21:29
It's your time to bloom.